The very first time I ever experienced a seizure I was working from home with my daughter. She woke up that morning with pink eye so I stayed home after taking her to the doctors. I felt fine all day, worked until 5-515pm.
The next thing I remember – & probably will never ever forget was the sound of my daughter screaming and crying. It wasn’t her normal cry, she was terrified. She knew something wasn’t right. She was clinging to me but I couldn’t move. It took everything in me, and what felt like hours to finally get my hand onto her back. By Gods grace, a family friend was there and he was able to call 911 to get me help.
The amount of guilt and shame I feel that I could have possibly been home alone with my daughter when this happened is honestly something that I’m still dealing with. It’s a conversation I have with myself almost daily. It’s what I think every single time I’m questioning myself about completing a task alone. I’ve had four more seizures since that episode, and as I write this on 3/25/20, I am only 2.5 weeks seizure free.
My seizure medication unfortunately makes me very tired. I have good days and bad days. Some days I’m checking everything off of my todo list, others I’m using every ounce of my energy to keep up. It’s tough on me mentally, but one thing I will say, it’s brought me so much closer to my faith. I don’t know why this hurdle has been put in front of me, but what I do know is that God doesn’t make mistakes. He is powerful and through this I will grow.
I’ve relied heavily on my family to pick up my slack. That itself is tough. I know it’s a strain and it makes me feel terrible. It truly does take a village. I work two jobs Monday through Friday, and blog for fun.
I lost a lot of my independence with my epilepsy diagnosis. Not only was my drivers license restricted, I had to resign from a few jobs. I became a stay at home mom. I gained self-doubt and depression. But the most sobering thing, is the realization that each time this happens I COULD DIE. Every moment that I spend with my daughter and my family is a blessing. Memories are forever. It’s easy to go through the motions of life. Many of us do it. Being a working mother is a hard job. Hell, that struggle is what caused me to create this platform in the first place.
But if you take one thing from this post – BE PRESENT. Read them one more bedtime story and bombard them with kisses, because at the end of the day when I reflect…those are the moments that matter. Life is too short to entertain people and/or things that do not align with your purpose.
I worry all of the time that my three year old will grow up and these memories will be traumatic to her. However I can only control the controllables. I encourage her to express her feelings and answer all of her questions.
A few days ago, this was our conversation:
Cassidy: Mommy, why do we always take daddy’s car. I want to ride in the truck.
Me: Mommy has to take a break from driving.
Me: I crashed remember?
Cassidy: but you didn’t do it on purpose. why did you do it?
Me: I had a seizure baby.
Cassidy: I know and I still love you.
Encourage your children to speak what they feel. You will be amazed at their capacity to understand.